FAQ

  • What is going to make you ignore my form?

    Being rude
    Being demanding
    Giving a fake time and then just asking when I am available without giving me any timeline to work with
    Asking me for anything sexual in advance
    Asking me for risky services because you wanna be in the guinesss book of world records for having chlamydia so strong you can actually see it come out of your body and slap the antibioitics out of your hand when you try to treat it.
    Using abbreviations for sexual services at any point
    Asking me for anything listed on the FAQ (I have some leniency obviously if you’e kind and admit you may have missed it, but if you simply do not like the answer I have posted and are pushing the question, that will definetly go ignored)

  • What is going to make you answer my email?

    Just be decent!
    It’s genuinely not that hard. I answer most of my emails!
    I have a million rules on here for many reasons, but it boggles me, because my bare minimum is ‘be decent’. I answer forms with the message box blank, so long as you aren’t being rude I accept less than the bare minimum! But these ‘clients’ keep getting snearkier and sneakier with how they want to break boundaries, so newer and weirder rules keep getting posted- i,e; who would have thought I’d have to say ‘you can’t get refunded if you leave poop smears on the massage table and get kicked out’? But I have to say it.

  • So I can’t leave poop streaks on your massage table?

    Unfortunately I am not a fan of this, no.

  • What about your bed?
    Ya it’s not quite like green eggs and ham, changing up where you put the grossness still won’t make me be happy when I see it.

  • What if I have open availability and want to offer you a flexible timeframe?

    If you want to offer an open time frame, please select a time within that time frame and simply let me know in the message section that you are flexible between X times. Please be reasonable, not ‘anytime between now and the heat death of the universe’.
    (This is to avoid recent issues with timewasters who ask over and over again when I’m available with no intention to book.)

  • Can I pre-pay the deposit to speed up any future bookings?

    If you would like to make a deposit but NOT confirm a booking/time slot just yet, so that future attempts to book are quicker, please let me know in the message section. This works well with people who have trouble booking in advance and can only give a few hours notice, as it takes time for the deposit to come through. Doing this is really good if you’re looking for brownie points i.e; me pretending I don’t have a gag reflex. ;)

  • Do you do outcalls? Are you discreet?
    Yea! I actually have a holographic gown that says ‘PROSTITUTE’ on it when I show up so you won’t get confused. I also have an orchestra acompanying me to play ‘roxanne’ so you can’t miss me!

  • Where are you located?

    West end of Ottawa. I understand this encompasses quite a span of area, so I’ll specify that I am no more than a half hour at the very most from downtown (though this is not to say I am precisely a half hour from downtown Ottawa- it is just to clarify I am still in in the city and not quite as far as, say, Manotick). Due to this industry attracting frequent stalkers and stalking incidents, I do not want to be more specific than this. If you need a specific location because you intend to show up immediately, you are likely booking too last-minute for me to be able to accomodate anyways.

    If you need to know my specific location prior to booking because you intend to drive over in the next five minutes and you cannot possibly wait until I confirm the booking, or need the information to share online with other basement dwellers, please go ahead and drive to 4475 trail road. I 100% promise I’ll be there as I am always “avail now babe?”. It is my preferred spot for the impatient suitor. (Though please bring some cheese cubes and tape them to your body, then have a little barbecue sauce bath… don’t ask questions, it has nothing to do with the resident vermin. I just have a weird kink.)

  • I don’t want to pay a deposit. I have been scammed before.

    That sucks, and I’ll tell you something quickly- if the girl is without a website and looks like a kpop idol, she is likely not real. Please stop sending etransfer to a stock image of a woman who’s email is “definetlynotascam@Iamrealforsure.ca”. I promise if you do a little research, like you should anytime you buy something online, sending a deposit will be fine.

  • Why is the deposit for shorter bookings only 50$?

    Well, obviously, this is enough money to live a modest life until I die in the next 12.7 seconds in this economy. It is a lucrative scam.
    If you’re nervous or have trouble answering where the money goes, this is an amount that is acceptable enough to me to take the risk of setting aside an hour for you and the risk of allowing you to know my exact location. This may raise to 100$ in the near future though as 50$ becomes weirdly increasingly disposable (despite eggs costing about half that these days), but for now I find it a suitable trade off.

  • Is your incall discreet?
    Absolutely. It is in the middle of a gorilla enclosure. The gorillas serve as a wonderful distraction for the crowding public.

  • What do you offer for each type of session?
    For escorting, have you ever seen the movie Pretty Woman?
    For massage, do you have any idea of what an ‘erotic massage’ is?
    Either way, one is cheaper than the other for an obvious reason.
    If you don’t and you need me to give you a diagram example of what is going to happen, you shouldn’t be booking me.

  • I’m going to send you demands for sexual services/weird abbreviations despite how clearly you have laid out your boundaries involving this. Now what?

    So in this case- given it is illegal to request sexual services (hence why I don’t discuss these in advance!) I am either going to outright ignore the request or I am going to say ‘yes’. This is meaningless. I am not bound to this. I will very likely not be acting on any of your demands, and if they become increasingly gross /disturbing/illegally taboo I will simply cancel the appointment. If I choose to agree to these demands and set an appointment, you will be paying for the appointment in full, in advance, without any discounts applicable whatsoever.
    I beg of you to just not ask me for these services. Don’t beg me for BBBJ, don’t beg me for MSOG, don’t ask for CIM, don’t ask for DATY, don’t ask me for a junior chicken with fries. Please don’t ask.

  • Is there any way I can get around the deposit?
    Yea. You need three references from providers I verify, you need to pay them each whatever rate they ask for asking, and then you have to add 100$ for any booking made under 280$ and 300$ for any booking over 280$. Please do not message me until you have these references ready and expecting me to email them to follow up.
    I’d still advise sending the etransfer or paypal, though.

  • Are you this mean in person?
    Worse, actually. Because I’m not even real, I’m just a venus fly trap that learned to type and now I’ve grown so big only fully grown human men can sustain me. I will consume the earth.

  • Do you offer showers?
    Yes. Please, please use them. There is allocated shower time at the beginning and end of each session.

I generally answer emails from 7am-11pm.

50$ Deposits are MANDATORY. You will NOT be an exception.